And unfortunately, many of us have also lost said person, making them “the one that got away.” These separations leave a noticeable hole in our lives and our hearts, triggering deep grief and even panic. 

Getting over someone you believed was “the one” is no easy feat. For some time following the split, you might experience denial, anger, depression, and even fear that you’ve lost your one chance at true love. But I promise you: that’s not the case.

Here are three tips for getting over the person you thought was your soulmate.

1. Challenge the Idea of ‘The One’

Growing up, I believed there was only one person created specifically for me. I’d read countless romance novels that only fueled that sentiment, hoping one day, I would meet my person and settle down for a peaceful, fulfilling life with them.

But over the years—and after experiencing different forms of heartbreak—my perspective has shifted. Call me jaded, but I don’t buy into the myth of “the one” anymore. Personally, I believe there are many people with whom we can fall in love, form a healthy attachment, and build a beautiful future.

Love might be a feeling, but it’s also a choice. And if someone chooses to betray or walk away from you, they probably aren’t meant to stay in your life. That doesn’t make them the villain, nor does it make you unworthy, and nor does it invalidate the bond you two shared. It merely means they were your person for a season—”the one” to show you how deeply you can love someone, but not “the one” to move forward with.

2. Understand that Love Does Not Equal Ownership

As I mentioned earlier, someone can be “the one” for a season. Long-term commitment is not the end-all, be-all. Life is ever-changing; relationships ebb and flow. Even if you believe the notion that “the one” is the person you will commit to spending your life with, understand that nothing is ever permanent or guaranteed—sometimes not even marriage. People divorce, spouses get sick, dynamics shift…

Of course, this isn’t to say marriage shouldn’t be your goal—I personally hope to get married and start a family one day. Marriage is a beautiful commitment, one that should be respected and taken seriously. But even a lawful union does not equate ownership over another person. Your spouse is still an individual, just as you are.

3. Know You Won’t Miss Out on What’s Meant for You

I remember going through a gut-wrenching heartbreak in my mid-20s, grieving someone I thought for sure would be the father of my kids someday. After nearly six years of dating, we’d talked of getting engaged, tying the knot, checking off all the boxes society has ingrained in us.

But ultimately, we realized we were growing apart more than together. We were still so young, and we had much growing to do individually. 

After the breakup, I thought for sure I would never find someone like him again. And I was right. 

No two people—no two partners—are the same. We all bring out different sides of each other, and I truly believe that certain people come into our lives when we need them, whether to teach us valuable lessons or to show us the kind of love we deserve.

I might not have met someone like my ex, but I have met new types of people. New friends, new partners, new connections that helped me grow in ways I wouldn’t have—couldn’t have—with him. And I’m sure he can say the same about me.

Does that take away from the relationship we once had? Of course, not. If anything, it’s a testament to how genuine our bond was at the time. 

Respect and express gratitude for the love you shared with your ex while acknowledging that your relationship didn’t work out for a reason. Trust what’s around the corner, and believe you will never miss out on what’s truly meant for you.

The post 3 Tips for Getting Over the Person You Thought Was ‘The One’ appeared first on VICE.

A new survey from Talker Research suggests that feeling is more common than people admit. One in five Americans currently in a relationship says their partner is not their soulmate. The survey included 2,000 adults, with 1,279 respondents saying they were partnered. Eighty percent said their partner is “the one.” Twenty percent said nope.

Part of the tension comes from how loose the word soulmate is. For some, it means destiny and emotional ease. For others, it means trust, shared values, and choosing the same person even when nothing feels cinematic. The survey didn’t ask respondents to define the term, which leaves space for people who feel committed without feeling cosmically certain.

Your ‘Soulmate’ Might Have a Backup Partner

Another finding adds some discomfort. Sixteen percent of people in relationships said there’s someone in their life they would leave their current partner for if that person showed romantic interest. The stat doesn’t imply someone is halfway out the door. It implies people notice temptation and decide what lines not to cross.

Adam Horvath, a clinical psychologist at Personal Psychology, addressed that reality directly. “We’re human. Attraction does not turn off when we say ‘I choose you,’” he told New York Post. Horvath emphasized that noticing feelings for someone else doesn’t automatically mean someone is a bad partner or that their relationship is failing. It means they’re paying attention to their internal world.

Problems surface when attraction becomes an escape route. Horvath explained that comparing a real partner to an imagined version of someone else often highlights something missing. Not necessarily a different person, but a quality that feels absent, like novelty, playfulness, or excitement. In those moments, the fantasy says more about the relationship’s pressure points than about destiny.

The survey also showed small gender differences. Women were slightly more likely to say their partner isn’t their soulmate. Men were more likely to say they’d leave their partner for someone else if the opportunity appeared. Millennials stood out as the group most likely to believe in soulmates at all, which makes sense for a generation raised on rom-coms and curated love stories.

None of this feels like a crisis. It feels like people trying to balance romantic ideals with adult reality, and occasionally admitting the two don’t line up perfectly. 

The post Are You With Your Soulmate? There’s a 20% Chance Your Partner Would Say No. appeared first on VICE.

When it comes to implicit beliefs about sexual satisfaction, researchers at two Canadian universities focused on two views: the belief that good sex comes from working at it with their partner (sexual growth) or that it’s the result of natural compatibility (sexual destiny). In order to decide which perspective actually has bearing on satisfaction in the bedroom, the authors conducted a series of six studies.

First, researchers had to create a measure to assess where a person falls on the spectrum of sexual beliefs. Participants were asked in a survey to rate how much they agreed with such statements as, “Sexual relationships often fail because people do not try hard enough” and “If a relationship is meant to be, sex is easy and wonderful.”

Next, the study’s authors tested their theory that sexual growth beliefs are associated with higher relationship and sexual satisfaction across a variety of methods and samples. For example, researchers tasked 52 participants who were co-habiting with their partners to fill out a survey that measured their sexual beliefs, whether or not they had sex and if they did, how positive or negative the experience was each day for three weeks. Ultimately, researchers found that “individuals reported more positive sexual experiences and higher relationship quality on days when they more strongly endorsed the notion that sexual satisfaction requires work.” Conversely, when participants “endorsed sexual destiny beliefs more than they typically did, sexual disagreements were associated with more frustrating, disappointing sex,” the study states.

Read more: Finding the Best and Worst Sex on the Internet

In another experiment, researchers focused on couples that recently had a baby, as maintaining a regular sex life during that time period often proves to be difficult. While the results echoed the findings of the other studies—that people who believe it takes work to maintain sexual and relationship satisfaction are happier with their sex lives than those who believe in sexual soulmates—researchers also discovered the benefit of a person with strong sexual growth beliefs having a partner with similar beliefs. During a time where sex may not be top priority, they’re both willing to work at their sexual relationship.

It is important to remember that if your sex life isn’t always perfect that’s completely normal, and does not mean your relationship is in trouble.

One interesting discovery across the board was that men tended to endorse sexual destiny while women tended to endorse sexual growth. “This finding surprises a lot of people who think women are more into romantic ideas of soulmates,” says Jessica Maxwell, a social psychology PhD candidate at the University of Toronto and lead author on the study. “We think this is because sexual satisfaction may take more ‘work’ for women, and hence they may be more likely to endorse sexual growth beliefs.” (By more “work,” she explains, she means that it’s not typically as easy for women to achieve sexual satisfaction as men.)

More importantly, the research calls into question the idea perpetuated by the media that a person can be fulfilled sexually if they’ve found “the one.” People who rate high in sex destiny beliefs are “probably passionate,” Maxwell says, but she stresses that “it is important to realize the dangers of these beliefs: You are likely over-emphasizing the role of sexual compatibility. It is important to remember that if your sex life isn’t always perfect, that’s completely normal and does not mean your relationship is in trouble.”

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“To put it bluntly,” she says, “if you want to believe in the idea of sexual soulmates, you should also be open to believing that even with a soulmate, sex can take work (i.e., at least believe in both sexual destiny and sexual growth). If not, we know that most couples face sexual disagreements/conflicts over time, so believing these problems are signs that your relationship wasn’t meant to be, is going to make it hard to stay satisfied in most long-term sexual relationships.”

The post People Who Believe in a Sexual ‘Soulmate’ Have Worse Sex, Study Says appeared first on VICE.

Don’t Date Someone Shitty in the First Place

It goes without saying that you should never date anyone atrocious, but had I not done that in the past, I wouldn’t have all this swell perspective! My ex is the only person I’ve ever courted who wasn’t a total piece of shit. And boy, did I appreciate the hell out of it. Spending your life with a fundamentally good, rational human being ensures that you don’t end up ending things by, let’s say, getting beaten with your own umbrella on Hollywood Boulevard after a Superchunk concert (I say this theoretically, of course, having never experienced a break up that remarkably insane. Cough.)

Don’t Ask Questions You Don’t Want the Answers To

Asking the question, “Do you want to sleep with other people?” of your former mate may seem innocuous, logical even, but the profound, soul-crushing truths of the answer (which, naturally, is yes) can send you into an emotional tailspin. The next thing you know, the only thing you’re capable of thinking about is which 20-something mutual acquaintance the former love of your life will soon be publicly balling, and the only thing you’re capable of drinking is bourbon and the only place you’re capable of sleeping is on the floor, after having consumed enough bourbon to make that seem like a perfectly reasonable idea. (I say this, again, theoretically. Cough.)

Acknowledge Your Faults

You know what the common denominator in all of your failed relationships is? You. Placing blame solely on the other party is tempting, but childish. Think of every time you passive aggressively told them you “weren’t mad” when you really were. Every time you took some unrelated aggression out on them. Your hands aren’t completely clean, Mother Teresa. Wash them off with some good old fashioned self reflection.

Don’t Try to Fuck Your Way Out of It

Fucking, either with other people or with the person you’re breaking up with, is not a good idea in your fragile emotional state. Y’know what is a good idea, though? Masturbating! Use your own tears as lube!

Photo by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete

Recognize the Fundamental Impermanence of Life and Love

Relationships, like life, are of a transient nature. Sure, looking at that elderly couple holding hands on the park bench may make you feel as though you’ve failed, but they’re the exception to the rule. And anyhow, they can’t fuck without pills, so you still win. Not that it’s a competition or anything. But fuck them.

Eat Something

Your initial instinct is to not. Your initial instinct is wrong. Regardless of what that poorly photoshopped, pixelated meme your mother put on Facebook would imply, love is not necessary in order to sustain life. Sustenance, however, most certainly is. Eat a sandwich. You’ll feel better.

Be Active

Get out of bed, you miserable slag. Go on a walk. A jog. Anything. While advocates of a healthy lifestyle are wrong about a number of things (a “Runner’s High,” for example, isn’t nearly as exciting as really being high), they are right about how exercise makes you feel better. And wouldn’t you like to feel better? Wouldn’t that be nice?

Don’t Isolate Yourself

Sitting, alone, in the apartment you once shared, staring at the vacuous black night beyond your living room window, or laying prostrate and shallowly breathing in between dry heaves on the bed you once shared is a waste of goddamned time. Not only does it not make you feel any better, it actively makes you feel worse. Y’know what does make you feel better, though? Accepting the help and support of people you love, who love you. Sleep on their couches. Tolerate their hospitality. Allow yourself the opportunity to take a break from the nightmarish hellscape that is your mind, at least for a night (or two, or three, or four, depending on how benevolent the members of your support system are) by watching the 0.0 Bechdel Test scoring The Other Woman with them. (Again, theoretically. Cough. God, I can’t stop coughing. I must be coming down with something.)

Photo by Jamie Lee Curtis Taete

Be Kind

Don’t send shitty text messages. (I say, this, of course, after having sent multiple shitty text messages to my ex in the past few days. Allow me this opportunity to formally apologize for said shitty text messages. Sorry, Allen, for all the shitty text messages.) Don’t be selfish. They want space? Give them space. Don’t scream-sob to them about how you feel like they’re avoiding you, and why the fuck are they avoiding you, what are you, a fucking monster? Is that what they think? Do they hate you? Oh my God, they hate you. No, you will not stop sobbing, they can’t tell you what to do anymore, and so on and so on. Cut it out, Zelda Fitzgerald.

Vouch for Their Character

There’s something you like, something you loved, about your ex in the first place—that’s why you dated them. They have intrinsic value, both to you and others. Celebrate that value. Talk them up to mutual acquaintances. Unless, of course, they’re completely irredeemable pieces of shit, but you don’t date irredeemable pieces of shit, remember?

Stop Feeling Sorry for Yourself

You’re not in Gaza. You don’t have a terminal illness. For the sake of everloving fuck, chill out. Listen, kiddo—you miss 100 percent of the failings you don’t try. But at least you tried. Next time, you might succeed. There will be a next time.

Recognize Your Irrationality

You’re not thinking clearly. Your mind is clouded with regret, bourbon, or both. You may not actually feel what you think you’re feeling. Allow time to pass before you make any rash decisions, like cutting your hair (don’t) or fucking your best friend (don’t) or getting a tattoo of a Phoenix rising from the ashes to, like celebrate you rising from the ashes of your former relationship (dear God, please don’t).

Stay Hydrated

In general, you should always stay hydrated. Awful things happen when you don’t. Terrible things. Worse than you could even imagine. Worse than the death of love.

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The post How to Break Up with Someone Like a Decent Human Being appeared first on VICE.