And unfortunately, many of us have also lost said person, making them “the one that got away.” These separations leave a noticeable hole in our lives and our hearts, triggering deep grief and even panic. 

Getting over someone you believed was “the one” is no easy feat. For some time following the split, you might experience denial, anger, depression, and even fear that you’ve lost your one chance at true love. But I promise you: that’s not the case.

Here are three tips for getting over the person you thought was your soulmate.

1. Challenge the Idea of ‘The One’

Growing up, I believed there was only one person created specifically for me. I’d read countless romance novels that only fueled that sentiment, hoping one day, I would meet my person and settle down for a peaceful, fulfilling life with them.

But over the years—and after experiencing different forms of heartbreak—my perspective has shifted. Call me jaded, but I don’t buy into the myth of “the one” anymore. Personally, I believe there are many people with whom we can fall in love, form a healthy attachment, and build a beautiful future.

Love might be a feeling, but it’s also a choice. And if someone chooses to betray or walk away from you, they probably aren’t meant to stay in your life. That doesn’t make them the villain, nor does it make you unworthy, and nor does it invalidate the bond you two shared. It merely means they were your person for a season—”the one” to show you how deeply you can love someone, but not “the one” to move forward with.

2. Understand that Love Does Not Equal Ownership

As I mentioned earlier, someone can be “the one” for a season. Long-term commitment is not the end-all, be-all. Life is ever-changing; relationships ebb and flow. Even if you believe the notion that “the one” is the person you will commit to spending your life with, understand that nothing is ever permanent or guaranteed—sometimes not even marriage. People divorce, spouses get sick, dynamics shift…

Of course, this isn’t to say marriage shouldn’t be your goal—I personally hope to get married and start a family one day. Marriage is a beautiful commitment, one that should be respected and taken seriously. But even a lawful union does not equate ownership over another person. Your spouse is still an individual, just as you are.

3. Know You Won’t Miss Out on What’s Meant for You

I remember going through a gut-wrenching heartbreak in my mid-20s, grieving someone I thought for sure would be the father of my kids someday. After nearly six years of dating, we’d talked of getting engaged, tying the knot, checking off all the boxes society has ingrained in us.

But ultimately, we realized we were growing apart more than together. We were still so young, and we had much growing to do individually. 

After the breakup, I thought for sure I would never find someone like him again. And I was right. 

No two people—no two partners—are the same. We all bring out different sides of each other, and I truly believe that certain people come into our lives when we need them, whether to teach us valuable lessons or to show us the kind of love we deserve.

I might not have met someone like my ex, but I have met new types of people. New friends, new partners, new connections that helped me grow in ways I wouldn’t have—couldn’t have—with him. And I’m sure he can say the same about me.

Does that take away from the relationship we once had? Of course, not. If anything, it’s a testament to how genuine our bond was at the time. 

Respect and express gratitude for the love you shared with your ex while acknowledging that your relationship didn’t work out for a reason. Trust what’s around the corner, and believe you will never miss out on what’s truly meant for you.

The post 3 Tips for Getting Over the Person You Thought Was ‘The One’ appeared first on VICE.

A month ago, the 21-year-old from the north Indian city of Dehradun opened a small cafe, and now, knocking back cups of special masala chai during conversations with his customers is a regular occurrence in his life. What’s drawing new visitors to the cafe isn’t necessarily his jovial personality though, it’s the bizarre name: “Dil Tuta Aashiq” (“Heartbroken Lover” in Hindi). As weird as the name might be, it sums up precisely why Batra decided to set up the cafe—to bond with people over heartbreak.

A couple of years ago, Batra was in a serious relationship when his then girlfriend told him they couldn’t be together anymore because her parents didn’t approve of her seeing someone—a classic Indian cockblock. The breakup hit him hard and he spent months, including the lockdown, holed up in his room, unable to do anything except play mobile games like PUBG. It felt like his life had come to a standstill. But eventually, he realised that time was moving as always, it was him who was stuck in a limbo. He wanted to do something to help people who were going through similar ordeals. So, he took the plunge and invested all his savings into setting up his cafe.

“Dil Tuta Aashiq is not a business, it kind of acts as a support group for young people nursing broken hearts. Heartbreak is a universal struggle for the youth, and people often conflate it with illnesses like depression and trivialise them,” he told VICE. “I want young people to know they’re not alone, and that their lives can still go on.”

His idea was met with friction from his father, who’s a property dealer and didn’t want Batra’s frivolous ideas to tarnish his reputation in a culture where young people are judged for dating, and heartbreak isn’t openly talked about.

“Initially, he’d taunt me every day. My printing guy called him up once because I was getting ‘Dil Tuta Aashiq’ printed on a large banner. But when one day his client’s family suggested my cafe for a meeting, saying they really liked it, he realised maybe it wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be,” said Batra, who’s running the cafe with help from his little brother.

While the cafe sees customers of all ages, the majority of visitors are young people with stories similar to Batra’s. He thinks it’s the name that draws them in.

“Earlier today, a couple of guys came by. They wanted to know the story behind the name. When I told them, one of them pointed to the other and said, ‘This is going to be him in a couple months.’ Instinctively, I asked him if his girlfriend was getting married to someone else. Turned out, my hunch was right,” said Batra.

Touched by his concern, the customer gave him a hug and shared his story with him.

“I spoke to him for a bit, and he instantly felt better. He took my number and I’m sure he’s going to come back regularly just to talk to me and surround himself with positive vibes,” said Batra, whose sole aim was to have strangers confide in him with stories they can’t possibly share with people around them. “You can’t always tell your family or friends you’re heartbroken. They might laugh or take it lightly. But when you meet a stranger with a similar story, the shared pain of heartbreak helps you trust them instantly,” he said.

In only a month of opening its door to customers, the cafe has evolved into a hotspot for jilted young lovers to come and bond over their broken hearts. Many come and sip on a cup of chai in the memory of their past lovers, even requesting music that helped them first get over their exes. “Dil Tuta Aashiq is no longer just a cafe, it has turned into a vibe that people relate to if they have experienced heartbreak in the past or are going through it right now,” said Batra.

Ironically though, the cafe has also become a popular date spot, especially for teenagers who visit for the reasonably priced food and in hopes of not having to endure the same heartbroken fate as most of the regulars. They make it a point to tell Batra they’re not going to end up like this. 

Is it weird for him to see young love blossoming in the very space he built in homage to heartbreak?

“I just laugh it off, I’ve had time to deal with it now. I just say, ‘god bless you’ to them,” he replied.

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But apparently, the irony isn’t lost on the couples visiting the cafe either, and it has led to some comical situations. A few days ago, a young couple visited the cafe. It was the girlfriend’s birthday, and she asked her boyfriend why he brought her to a place with a name like that.

He cheekily replied, “This is where I’m going to end up if we ever part ways, so I thought I might as well check it out.”

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The post This Indian Cafe Wants To Help You Get Over Your Ex appeared first on VICE.

You’ve probably heard of the placebo effect before; it’s a common term in culture, and widely documented in medicine. Essentially, the placebo effect refers to a change in symptoms that comes as the result of a subject’s belief in treatment, as opposed to the treatment itself. Researchers at the University of Colorado explain that, while the placebo effect has been tested in the treatment of various forms of physical pain, it isn’t often applied to painful emotional feelings.

Read more: Love is a Hoax

“Individuals who experience a targeted romantic rejection are 20 times more likely to develop depression than the general population,” the study reads, explaining why heartache is more than sad—it can potentially be dangerous to your health. So, in order to document the efficacy of placebo treatment, researchers studied the placebo effect on the pain of romantic social rejection versus the pain of being burned by something hot.

The social scientists gathered 40 people who had gone through an unwanted breakup in the previous six months. The subjects were then shown the images of their former loves and asked to focus on re-experiencing the emotions associated with that person, then rate how badly they felt on a scale of one to five. In a later trial, their arms were also exposed to varying degrees of heat, which they also had to rate on a scale of one to five.

After the first run-through, the researchers introduced a placebo in the form of a nasal spray. The scientists told half of the participants that the spray was a “powerful analgesic that is also effective in reducing emotional pain and negative affect,” and told the other half it was just something to help improve fMRI brain scan imaging that otherwise had no effects. In both groups, the spray was simply saline.

The researchers measured responses in different areas of the brain and found that the placebo group showed both a reduction in physical and social pain. The control group did not exhibit a change. This has promising implications for people who are caught in the hell of heartache. In a press release for this study, Tor Wager, one of the lead authors, announced the benefits and power of perception on your emotional state. “Just the fact that you are doing something for yourself and engaging in something that gives you hope may have an impact,” Wager said. “In some cases, the actual chemical in the drug may matter less than we once thought.”

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I used to feel so bad for myself because of bad and stupid relationship drama, and I never know how to cope. At various points in my life, I have tried losing myself by watching all nine seasons of Dynasty on bootleg DVDs, furnishing my apartment with Lestat-style gilded mirrors, and wearing big sunglasses. However, despite my attempts to treat my broken heart, I continued to cry uncontrollably on various bathroom floors anyway.

The study has promising implications for others trapped in such a distressing state: Although there may be no magical cure for the pain of a break-up, simply having positive expectations could help you to get over your sorry heart.

The post Science Explains How to Trick Yourself Into Getting Over Your Broken Heart appeared first on VICE.