And unfortunately, many of us have also lost said person, making them “the one that got away.” These separations leave a noticeable hole in our lives and our hearts, triggering deep grief and even panic. 

Getting over someone you believed was “the one” is no easy feat. For some time following the split, you might experience denial, anger, depression, and even fear that you’ve lost your one chance at true love. But I promise you: that’s not the case.

Here are three tips for getting over the person you thought was your soulmate.

1. Challenge the Idea of ‘The One’

Growing up, I believed there was only one person created specifically for me. I’d read countless romance novels that only fueled that sentiment, hoping one day, I would meet my person and settle down for a peaceful, fulfilling life with them.

But over the years—and after experiencing different forms of heartbreak—my perspective has shifted. Call me jaded, but I don’t buy into the myth of “the one” anymore. Personally, I believe there are many people with whom we can fall in love, form a healthy attachment, and build a beautiful future.

Love might be a feeling, but it’s also a choice. And if someone chooses to betray or walk away from you, they probably aren’t meant to stay in your life. That doesn’t make them the villain, nor does it make you unworthy, and nor does it invalidate the bond you two shared. It merely means they were your person for a season—”the one” to show you how deeply you can love someone, but not “the one” to move forward with.

2. Understand that Love Does Not Equal Ownership

As I mentioned earlier, someone can be “the one” for a season. Long-term commitment is not the end-all, be-all. Life is ever-changing; relationships ebb and flow. Even if you believe the notion that “the one” is the person you will commit to spending your life with, understand that nothing is ever permanent or guaranteed—sometimes not even marriage. People divorce, spouses get sick, dynamics shift…

Of course, this isn’t to say marriage shouldn’t be your goal—I personally hope to get married and start a family one day. Marriage is a beautiful commitment, one that should be respected and taken seriously. But even a lawful union does not equate ownership over another person. Your spouse is still an individual, just as you are.

3. Know You Won’t Miss Out on What’s Meant for You

I remember going through a gut-wrenching heartbreak in my mid-20s, grieving someone I thought for sure would be the father of my kids someday. After nearly six years of dating, we’d talked of getting engaged, tying the knot, checking off all the boxes society has ingrained in us.

But ultimately, we realized we were growing apart more than together. We were still so young, and we had much growing to do individually. 

After the breakup, I thought for sure I would never find someone like him again. And I was right. 

No two people—no two partners—are the same. We all bring out different sides of each other, and I truly believe that certain people come into our lives when we need them, whether to teach us valuable lessons or to show us the kind of love we deserve.

I might not have met someone like my ex, but I have met new types of people. New friends, new partners, new connections that helped me grow in ways I wouldn’t have—couldn’t have—with him. And I’m sure he can say the same about me.

Does that take away from the relationship we once had? Of course, not. If anything, it’s a testament to how genuine our bond was at the time. 

Respect and express gratitude for the love you shared with your ex while acknowledging that your relationship didn’t work out for a reason. Trust what’s around the corner, and believe you will never miss out on what’s truly meant for you.

The post 3 Tips for Getting Over the Person You Thought Was ‘The One’ appeared first on VICE.

Many people look to lock it down with someone before the cold winter months arrive, but some actually break off connections during this time. According to experts, mid-December is a popular breakup time because it arrives just before the holidays, when many are attending work parties, friend outings, and family gatherings. Perhaps the constant socializing causes many to rethink their +1.

If you’ve been dumped or should you find yourself a victim of breakup day in a few months, certain strategies can help speed up your healing process. Greg Matos, PsyD, ABPP, a board-certified couple and family psychologist, shared five tips for breakup recovery in a recent Psychology Today article. 

1.  Create and Follow Structured Routines

After a breakup, it’s easy to feel like your entire world is crumbling. The future you planned is no longer in the works, and the person who once felt like home has become a stranger. According to Matos, creating routines helps keep your life intact after such a major loss.

When you’re following a schedule, you won’t have as much time to sit and wallow. Of course, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t process your feelings or allow yourself to grieve—that’s a crucial part of the breakup process. 

However, following a routine packed with healthy and fulfilling activities will ensure you’re still prioritizing your own health, well-being, and dreams. 

2.  Move Your Body

Exercise is obviously beneficial for your physical health, but it can also do wonders for your mental health. Simply moving your body for 20 minutes each day, whether through walking or weightlifting, or even stretching, can help you relax and improve your sleep.

3. Eat Healthy Meals

Trust me, I know how it feels to endure a gut-wrenching breakup with someone you thought you would spend your life with. The gravity of that loss can make you feel like you’re mourning a death. In the immediate weeks following your breakup, you might be physically unable to eat, or maybe you get nauseous after just one bite. Know that this will pass—and try your best to eat what you can in those moments, whether it’s a piece of toast or a pint of ice cream. 

Once you’re able to gut food, however, choose healthy, nutritious options, as this will support your healing. Many people are unaware of the gut-brain connection and the importance of eating healthy food, especially when you’re enduring a difficult time. 

4. Find Purpose

According to Matos, fueling your passions and dreams will help replace the purpose you found in your relationship. Without even realizing it or intending to, many of us lose ourselves in love, giving less of our time and energy to what lights us up. Breakups are the perfect opportunity to reconnect with yourself and redefine your purpose in life.

5. Give Yourself Closure

After a breakup, many of us feel desperate for a form of closure that will tie everything in a neat bow and allow us to move on with grace. Unfortunately, life doesn’t always work that way. Oftentimes, breakups lead to anger, hurt feelings, regret, resentment, and poor communication.

Rather than seeking it from your ex, find ways to give yourself the closure you deserve. Accept the situation as it is, and take your power back—not as a form of revenge but rather as a way to heal. Try not to feed into rumination about what went wrong or whether your ex misses you. Focus on yourself, and trust that everything will pan out as it’s meant to.

And of course, most importantly, be easy on yourself throughout the process.

The post 5 Tips for Finally Moving on After a Nasty Breakup appeared first on VICE.

Is there a sweet spot for moving on? Maybe, to some people. But what really matters is what works for you specifically. People will always find something wrong in your actions, no matter how good they might be. It’s part of life. We’re all different, with various life experiences that have carefully crafted our individual perspectives. Many times, judgments are just projections of our own insecurities, doubts, or pain. 

That being said, while there might not be a right or wrong time to move on, there is a healthy timeframe to keep in mind. Prioritizing healing before jumping into something new can keep you from attracting toxic partners or ending up in an unhealthy dynamic.

Relationship specialists at Monsta Toys revealed the healthy timeline for moving on from your ex.

Healing Timelines for Different Relationship Lengths

Your healing timeline can depend on a variety of factors, from the length of your relationship to how connected you were toward the end of it. For example, if you’ve been checked out for months, you might have already begun your healing process while still in the relationship. 

However, experts from Monsta Toys recommended the following scenarios and associated timeframes:

Short-Term Dating (A Few Months)

If you only dated your ex for a few months, the relationship specialists advised allowing yourself about 1-3 months to fully let go. 

“These relationships, while meaningful, typically involve less intertwined lives and fewer shared experiences to untangle,” they said.

Long-Term Dating or Serious Relationships

If you were in a longer-term relationship—one spanning several months or a year or two—or one that was serious in nature (you spoke about long-term commitments, perhaps lived together, etc.), the dating experts recommend waiting about 3-6 months for emotional intensity to reduce. 

“These connections often involve deeper intimacy, shared friend groups, and future plans that require more time to process,” they said.

Marriage or Multi-Year Relationships

Marriages and years-long relationships naturally require longer periods of time to heal from.

“Often 6-12 months to grieve properly, process, and rebuild,” the relationship specialists said. “These partnerships fundamentally reshape identity and daily life, making recovery a more complex journey.”

4 Signs You’re Not Moving on From Your Ex Fast Enough After a Breakup

As stated earlier, your healing process should occur entirely on your own terms. If you feel ready to get back out there after a long-term relationship, go for it! If you’d rather bask in your solitude for months (or years) on end, I support it!

However, if you’re finding that you’re either overwhelmed by new connections or trapped in isolation, you might want to reflect on where your heart is at the moment. Here are four warning signs that your grief is still running the show.

1. You Can’t Stop Ruminating About Your Ex

After a breakup, it’s completely normal to ruminate about your past relationship, wondering what went wrong and how you could have handled it differently. However, if you’re still stuck in that obsessive loop, it’s probably too soon to start dating someone new.

“If thoughts about your ex consume more than 30% of your waking hours months after the breakup, you’ve likely crossed into unhealthy territory,” Monsta Toys’ relationship specialists said. “Normal grief involves waves of sadness; obsessive grief creates a constant mental loop that prevents engagement with present reality.”

2. You’re Still Stalking Your Ex on Social Media

We all do it, and usually, it’s just innocent curiosity. But if surveilling your ex’s social media has become a regular habit, you should probably set some personal boundaries.

“Checking your ex’s social media multiple times daily, analyzing their posts for clues about their emotional state, or creating fake accounts to monitor them indicates you’re stuck in the shock phase,” the experts shared. “This behavior feeds false hope and prevents emotional detachment.”

If you’re in this phase, make sure to address the lingering false hope so you can fully close the door before moving on.

3. You’re Avoiding New Opportunities for Connection 

Look, if you’re not ready to date yet, don’t let anyone pressure you to do so. I can’t even tell you the number of times my well-meaning loved ones have pushed me to “get back out there” while I was still helplessly in love with my ex. I needed time to reflect, process, heal, and work on myself before I projected my own baggage onto a new partner.

However, if it’s been months of zero self-care and progress—and avoidance of any social interactions—you might want to have an honest self-check-in. 

“Turning down social invitations, refusing to consider dating when you feel ready, or isolating yourself from friends suggests grief has become a protective shell,” the relationship specialists shared. “While some withdrawal is normal initially, prolonged isolation signals avoidance rather than healing.”

4. Romanticizing the Past While Ignoring Red Flags 

When you break up with someone, it’s easy to only focus on the good times once they’re gone. However, this will feed your brain the false narrative that your relationship was healthier and more fulfilling than it truly was.

“When you find yourself only remembering the good times while conveniently forgetting the reasons the relationship ended, you’re engaging in unhealthy idealization,” Monsta Toys said. “This mental editing prevents genuine acceptance and growth.”

The post 4 Signs You’re Not Getting Over Your Ex Fast Enough appeared first on VICE.

Now, if you want to get into the astrology of this particular September, check out this piece on eclipse season. This month will be a double whammy for many.

However, astrology aside, September has always been a time of closure and fresh starts. The summer ends while school begins. Vacations draw to a close, and many return home or back to work. Summer flings fizzle out, while others seek real connection for “cuffing season.”

September is the ideal time to reset. Out with the old, and in with the new, as they say…

Of course, there’s more to it than that. Dating experts have shared their take on why so many couples split during this late summer, early autumn month.

Why Do So Many Couples Break Up in September?

It’s only fitting that so many relationships die during the start of spooky season. But why, exactly, is this so common?

“As leaves change color, days become shorter and a chill fills the air, people naturally find themselves in a contemplative mood,” Tina Wilson, a dating expert and dating app Wingman, previously told Stylist. “The transition from summer to autumn brings significant environmental shifts that can affect individuals, fostering a period of self-reflection.”

She added that September typically signals a return to routine after a summer of spontaneity and bliss.

“This fresh start mindset can extend to personal relationships, encouraging individuals to re-evaluate their current partnerships or lifestyle before the end of the year,” she told Stylist. 

Wilson also mentioned that, with the holidays around the corner, many people re-evaluate their relationships before they get more serious. The holidays tend to bring families and loved ones together, and there’s often more pressure to include or introduce significant others. 

During the summer, it’s easy to escape into a fantasy world with your hookup buddy. September is like a reality check for many daters.

Surviving Breakup Season

If you’re worried about the state of your relationship this September, know that anything that’s meant to last will be able to withstand the pressures of this month.

That being said, there are many ways to prevent conflict during this time. For example, if you have some doubts about your partner or relationship, communicate them before fleeing the connection entirely. You never know the compromises your partner might be willing to make.

Additionally, you can set your own standards and boundaries when it comes to the holidays. If you’re not ready to bring your partner around, that’s okay—as long as you’re both on the same page. Go at your own pace, and don’t force anything that doesn’t feel right. Let it flow.

And if you do end up deciding to split from your partner, try to view it as a positive. Odds are, if you’re ending during this time, it’s for a good reason. Express gratitude for the time you got to share, and know that someone is out there and waiting to give you everything you deserve. 

Oh, and if you think September is a wild time, just wait ‘til October…More on that soon.

The post September Is Breakup Season. Will Your Relationship Survive? appeared first on VICE.

Needless to say, I didn’t have much of an appetite at first. This is, unfortunately, a common experience for many individuals as they navigate heartbreak. The emotional stress can trigger a surge in stress hormones like cortisol, suppress your appetite, slow your digestion, and disrupt your sleep.

Thankfully, there are ways you can lessen the impacts of these changes. Dietitian Karine Patel at DietitianFit provided five tips for supporting your body through a breakup. 

1. Balance Blood Sugar

When you’re undergoing bouts of extreme stress, you might notice your blood sugar is naturally higher than usual. Psychological trauma, poor diet, and hormonal changes (all of which can result from a breakup) can all raise blood sugar.

“It’s common after a breakup to miss meals or just depend on caffeine and snacks; however, it drives blood sugar levels to be high and cause crashes that fuel fatigue and anxiety,” Patel explained. “Try having regular meals containing a protein such as meat or fish, slow-releasing carbohydrates like brown rice, lentils, or quinoa, and healthy fats such as avocado, chia seeds, or eggs. All of these will help keep energy levels up, calm short tempers, and bring a feeling of routine back.”

2. Support Serotonin Production

Did you know that around 90% of serotonin is made in the gut? That’s right: if you’re eating poorly or inefficiently, you’re likely to mess with your serotonin levels, which impact your overall mood and mental health.

“Salmon, turkey, seeds, chickpeas, and bananas are all tryptophan-rich foods that support the raw material for serotonin,” said Patel. “If you have these with complex carbohydrates, such as brown rice or oats, they will help improve mood naturally, gently lifting the emotional lows that come with a break-up.”

3. Boost with Healthy Fats

I know you likely don’t feel like eating right now. When I was going through the worst of my breakup, I would practically dry-heave any time I tried to force-feed myself. 

However, “It’s vital to eat brain-friendly nutrients during a time of recovery,” Patel explained. 

“Walnuts, oily fish, and chia seeds contain omega-3 fatty acids, which have been proven to help lower symptoms of depression,” she continued. “These fats assist in protecting the nervous system and reducing the impact of ongoing stress.”

4. Hydrate and Care for the Gut

Unfortunately, dehydration really is at the root of many health issues and symptoms. I know it’s frustrating to hear, “Well, did you drink enough water today???” when you’re venting about your days-long headache. However, our well-intentioned loved ones might be right.

“Being emotional can slowly lead to dehydration over time, which then causes low energy, headaches, and poor focus,” said Patel. “Include probiotic foods like kefir, yoghurt, and fermented vegetables in your diet and make sure you drink enough water, as this will help restore balance in the gut. A healthy gut contributes to supporting a calmer and more mentally strong person.”

5. Allow Gentle Comfort

A gut-wrenching breakup is the perfect excuse (not that you need one!) to pamper yourself. If you want to buy the donuts, buy the f***ing donuts.

“Allow yourself small indulgences like a bowl of pasta, or a square of chocolate, without feeling guilty,” Patel recommended. “When appreciated after a nutrient-rich meal, comfort foods can help aid emotional relief without ruining recovery.”

The post 5 Ways to Feel Better After a Breakup appeared first on VICE.

Grieving someone who is still alive, but no longer in your life, packs a cruel kind of pain.

But breakups happen. People fall out of love, prioritize different parts of their lives, or merely realize they’re not compatible. Not to mention, we’re all just humans trying our best to navigate difficult situations. Love stories, even tragic ones, don’t always have a villain.

That being said, some people consciously take advantage of their ex-partner’s vulnerability throughout the breakup. And if you’ve fallen victim to this type of toxic dynamic or person, you’re not alone. You’re not weak. You’re not damaged.

You can overcome the breakup shame, and you can break the cycle and walk away.

Overcoming breakup shame

I haven’t always had the easiest experiences when it comes to dating. It wasn’t until my mid-20s that I learned how a trauma from my formative years was impacting how I showed up in my romantic relationships. 

Early on in life, I developed a habit of blaming myself. I felt I was damaged beyond repair, and so I made myself small and centered others in my own world. I rarely, if ever, voiced my needs, but I thrived (or so I thought) while meeting and exceeding others’ expectations of me. 

Essentially, I was operating from a place of chronic shame.

Needless to say, breakups have always been a sore spot for me. As the only person in my family who didn’t marry her high school or college sweetheart and have kids before age 30, I started to feel like something was wrong with me for not being able to move on quickly and find “the one.” 

During a breakup, you’re supposed to be your biggest supporter and fiercest advocate. But instead, I was my own worst enemy.

I’d tell myself it was embarrassing to keep “failing.” I kept tabs on how many times I thought I’d found love when really I found another lesson. I blamed myself for the end of the few relationships I did have, and I isolated for months, sometimes years, in between to avoid getting hurt again.

Not to mention, it takes a lot for me to really like someone, and even more for me to feel safe with them.

But I’ve come to accept there’s nothing wrong with that. I realized I am allowed to be human. I am allowed to feel deeply and grieve intensely, but I am also allowed to love freely and start over. I am allowed to voice my needs, and I am allowed to walk away from people who can’t or won’t meet them.

There’s no failing in relationships. You learn, you evolve, and you share time with someone you enjoy, until maybe you don’t anymore. Maybe you grow apart, or maybe they end up being someone you didn’t think they were. And maybe that’s okay.

Navigating a Split with a toxic ex

Oftentimes, we don’t enter a relationship knowing the other person has malicious intentions or a selfish way of handling conflict. Otherwise, I think most of us would steer clear of such individuals to begin with.

However, people tend to show their true colors when they’re either A) not getting what they want from you, or B) watching you move on from the relationship, even if they were the ones who ended it. 

Many unhealed exes will try to lure you back in for their own benefit, even if they don’t intend to work things out with you. I had an ex who would constantly “check in” to remind me he missed me, thought I was beautiful, wanted to see me/take me on dates, was dreaming of/thinking about me, and still loved me. When I’d tell him it was hurtful to hear those things without action, he would say he just “wasn’t in the place for a relationship.”

As it turned out, he was perfectly capable of commitment. Just not when it came to me.

I remember sinking to the floor of my shower and feeling like the walls were closing in on me every time he reached out, as it would open the wound all over again and undo any progress I’d made. I would sob and panic at the idea that I would never have this person in my life again. I’d never feel his arms around me in the morning, never hear his gentle reassurance when I was struggling, never laugh with him in the car or sing my lungs out at our favorite band’s concert again.

But I had to realize that those facts would not kill me, no matter how tight they made my chest. No matter how sick they made my stomach. They couldn’t really hurt me.

They also weren’t reasons to stay with this new version of that person, the version who weaponized my vulnerability against me and used my weakest moments to crawl back in for his own selfish fulfillment. 

I know it can feel like your world is falling apart when you lose someone you love, but sometimes, that’s exactly what needs to happen so you can rebuild on solid ground.

As soon as I cut off this ex and truly wished him well, my life turned around. I found a new therapist. I started channeling more energy into my writing career. I made an incredible group of friends. I tried things that scared me just to prove that I was brave. I got back in touch with my independence and embraced my solitude—something I always loved about myself. I traveled more often, even if it was just weekend trips a few states away.

And after months of healing on my own, I fell in love with someone new, someone who makes me question why I ever accepted that kind of behavior from my ex in the first place.

Not to sound like a toxic positivity influencer, but life and love really do have their ways of working out. And sure, that doesn’t mean everything will go according to plan and you’ll never get hurt again. But there will always be new opportunities to take, new people to meet, new memories to make. Don’t deprive yourself of that luxury.

The post I Left Breakup Shame and Toxic Exes Behind, and You Can Too appeared first on VICE.

Sometimes, a relationship ends when you’re still in love. Sometimes, you have to close the book before you’ve finished it – and stop yourself from wondering what the ending could have been. 

If you’ve never been in love, it might be hard to imagine why you’d end things with someone you feel that strongly about, but there’s a bounty of reasons that can bring even a happy, healthy relationship to an end. 

So, why does it happen?

Your relationship might come up against practical issues like moving cities, visa issues or job and university offers calling you to distant places.

Sometimes it comes down to having different life goals. You might have to tackle hard truths like one of you wanting children and the other not, with neither of you able to give up on your needs. Not every difference between two people has to end as a compromise, but if it doesn’t, it will more than likely end in a split. 

There might also be small but unresolved issues that prevent your relationship from thriving. Perhaps you continue to fight or frustrate each other and just can’t find a way to fix it. It’s as simple as knowing the relationship is not quite right, even though you wish it could be. It’s knowing that you can love someone for who they are, but accept that they aren’t the best person for you. 

Finally, there’s the possibility you just fizzle out. You still love them, even if you’re not in love.  

No matter the reason, it’s a hard thing to face; to call things quits when there are still positives to cling to. It’s a natural instinct to hold on and hope it works out when you see potential in your relationship, but sometimes – whether out of emotional need or logical problem solving – pulling the plug is the only way forward. 

Once you’ve got the words out and agreed that ending things is the right thing to do, what next? 

Obviously, you need to bring it to a close officially. Have a read of this if you’re unsure how to do it respectfully – but the main thing is to be clear and honest. One of the few bonuses of a break-up that’s been forced on you by circumstance is that it’s more likely to be mutual. You’re in the same boat, so it’s not on one person to drop the bad news. 

If you’re breaking up because one or both or you are moving, (and you’ve opted not to do long-distance) this gives you a solid end date – and with that comes the decision to commit until that date or end things sooner. Between waiting it out or cutting it off, there’s no obvious “right option”, but it is a must-do to actually talk about it. Don’t opt to avoid the situation and ignore the fact that things are about to end, or you’ll end up overwhelmed when it finally does. Letting the sadness and anxieties around ending your relationship pile up without acknowledging that it’s a painful thing to go through doesn’t help either of you. Even if you’re putting off the break-up, making sure you’re aware of your emotional state will help protect you in the end. 

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And what if you are still physically in the same place? 

There’s no need to cut them out of your life unless they were doing you harm, but if you want to stay friends with someone you love, the number one rule is truly accepting that you’re not a couple anymore. If you’ve already put in the hard work to end things, don’t put yourself in a situation where it’s likely that you’ll want to get back together (or worse, where only one of you wants to get back together.) 

The brunt of it is this: you can’t act exactly as you did when you were a couple. Not changing your behaviour prevents you from truly comprehending that it’s over. It’ll only sting more when the first person moves on if you’re still subconsciously treating them like a significant other. 

Even between amicable exes, having a little bit of space from each other is a great shout. You need time to adjust to your life without them as your partner and to envision what that means for your future. 

It’s also super important that your closeness and level of comfort with each other doesn’t lead you to become each other’s stand-in therapists. The other person in the break-up is not the right person to talk about how hard breaking up is – it makes things muddy and confusing when you’ve both got skin in the game. It’s not that you can’t be honest with each other, but you need other people to lean on, and so does your ex. 

Similarly, it’s not the best idea to keep sleeping together. Having sweet, intimate sex with someone you love brings with it a lot of emotion and it’s hard to detach from that. Sleeping together casually sounds like a nice fantasy, but for most ex-couples, there’s too much history to successfully attempt being friends with benefits. 

One of the caveats of every break-up is the impulsive what ifs. And these potential scenarios are amplified when you still love someone. It’s dangerously easy to slip into thinking about what would happen if you stayed together, if you tried harder, if you met again when you were older. The possibilities are endless. But also, pointless. You can’t spend your life indulging in the idea that things could’ve been different, or you’ll never be happy with what you actually have. 

It’s natural to miss someone – to crave them – no matter the strength of the relationship. Heartbreak and longing are normal parts of grieving a break-up, so don’t let them trick you into making decisions that you wouldn’t make if you were thinking logically. 

You can know that you love someone and that it feels good to be loved, without needing to be with them. 

Rather than thinking too much about what you miss about being together, focus on the reasons why ending your relationship was for the best. You don’t have to come up with a whole bunch of retrospective reasons to hate them or to justify the break-up – and you can be at peace with still loving them. But it’s important to acknowledge what wasn’t working and remind yourself that that is why the relationship needed to end. 

So, there it is. Ending things with someone you love opens a can of worms that’s entirely different to an angry and bitter blow-out. Some might say it’s harder because you can’t cling on to hating them. Some people probably envy the opportunity to keep a beloved ex-partner as a friend. In worst-case scenarios, you love them and hate them at the same time. But know that there are ways to make it less painful for everyone involved. 

No one is saying it’s gonna be easy, we just hope this helps. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

LoveBetter Youthline support channels:

Email: lovebetter@youthline.co.nz

Or rangatahi can text lovebetter to 234

https://check.areyouok.org.nz/

Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.  

The post What To Do When You Have to End a Relationship With Someone You Love  appeared first on VICE.

But this doesn’t mean that people who have cheated should be treated as a homogenous mass of evil-doers and bad decision makers. The desire to cheat can stem from so many different places: from the surface level to incredibly deep insecurity or misunderstood desires. 

And what better way is there of understanding the instinct than to ask the people that have done it. VICE spoke to Xavier, Harvey and Joe about what led them to cheating and what advice they’d give to people who’ve made the same mistakes. 

Here’s what they had to say.

XAVIER*

He/him

Cheated at 22

VICE: Can you describe the relationship you were in when you cheated?

Xavier: I was in an exclusive relationship at the time, we had been together for two and a half years.

And how did you cheat? 

A coworker and I kissed at a staff party when I was very drunk, then we didn’t discuss it until a few weeks later when she and I were walking home together.  We ended up making out and having sex, then hooking up a few more times over the next few months. It was entirely about the sex as both of us were in relationships.

What led you to do it? 

I’d say the main factor behind it was feeling desired and wanted by someone for the first time in a long time. [In my relationship] I wasn’t getting any physical attention. And also that the cheating wasn’t an emotional commitment. The relationship I was in was very draining for me, mentally.

I think a large part of what led to my own cheating was an inability to communicate with my then-partner, and also suppressing my own feelings about things that were happening in our relationship for the sake of their mental health, which obviously ended up backfiring.

How did you feel while it was happening? 

Afterwards I felt guilty, but I mostly repressed how I was feeling about it. My relationship at the time wasn’t healthy which made it easier to ignore what I was doing was wrong.

Did you ever do it again?

I did sleep with another person again a couple of years later and this made me end my relationship, although I didn’t tell my partner about that. I ended up speaking to a therapist, who helped me realise that I didn’t feel like I was in a relationship, I felt like I was having to emotionally care for another person and their mental health, and that that was a large reason for my behaviour.

HARVEY 

They/Them 

Cheated at 19 

VICE: Could you describe the relationship you were in at the time?

Harvey: It was your classic, like, dating during high school and then finishing high school and going to different universities. So we were together for two years, but a year of that was long distance. And we were in a closed but honest relationship. And the cheating was… It was with one person. It was emotional and physical and happened multiple times over a good couple of months.

Could you explain what led to you cheating? 

While I saw him pretty regularly, I guess I was craving that connection with someone in the same city as me.

How did you feel after it happened? 

It was really difficult because I still really loved the person that I was with. I felt really conflicted, because I wanted it to be okay. I wanted to be able to still be together, because in my eyes I still loved them, I just wanted more. I wanted someone in the same city that I could spend time with, and also be with them.

I felt really guilty because I hurt them so badly and betrayed their trust. But I also felt like I didn’t understand why it couldn’t just be okay. But, obviously, I’d gone down the wrong path of getting that. 

How did your partner find out?

I’d been asking for an open relationship and he knew I’d made new friends, so he was putting the two things together. He was quite suspicious and I was always denying it. And then he found out because he went through my Facebook messages.

Did you or would you ever do it again? 

I didn’t. I wouldn’t do it again because now I have more language for relationships and ability to communicate and exist within like, open relationships. I’m more capable of being able to have multiple relationships and not needing to be deceitful. Morally, I would rather talk about that sort of stuff than need to go behind someone’s back. 

Do you have any advice to anyone who has cheated?

Yeah, I think what I found really difficult about my experience was that the general stereotype of cheating is pretty harsh. That whole, once a cheater, always a cheater thing… 

And obviously I’m not saying I sympathise but I definitely know that it’s a lot less black and white than a lot of people treat it. Mine didn’t come from a place of vindictiveness or trying to hurt someone. The reason I cheated was because I was still in love with my partner, and I didn’t want to leave them. But I wanted more.

I just felt so dirty and wrong and bad but I also felt like no one understood what I had gone through on my side of things. It’s just like, all cheaters are bad people. 

I was just trying to navigate still being in love with my partner, but also wanting to be with someone else. I took the bad route of cheating, but I was just trying to navigate those feelings. And so I think… don’t be too hard on yourself. There’s a lot of nuance and you’re not a terrible, terrible person, you just made the wrong decision about something that’s really difficult. 

Maybe you’re just someone who is capable of being in love with multiple people and you’re taking the route of cheating instead of actually discussing it.

JOE*

He/him

Cheated at 26

VICE: Tell me about the relationship you were in at the time? 

Joe: I’d been seeing a girl on-and-off for probably about a year or so. I’m pretty sure she wanted more from the relationship than I did. And I was stringing her along probably too long. I feel quite bad about that now and she didn’t deserve that. 

How did you come to cheat on her? 

I was in a bar with a friend and we started chatting to a group of girls. At this point I had no intention of doing anything. We hung out with them most of the night and at some point one of the girls added me on Facebook. 

There was definitely a spark between us but still no intention of doing anything. We went our separate ways, but exchanged a few flirty messages and then a week or so later she messaged me and asked me and my friends for drinks. This happened a few times. 

Then one night we were walking home in the same direction and we kissed, and one thing led to another.

I split up with the other girl the next day. I should have 100% broken up with her before but I was just too cowardly.

How did it make you feel? 

I was feeling pretty awful and also realising I didn’t want to be with her.

Did you tell her about the cheating?

I didn’t tell her I’d cheated, I felt like that would just hurt her more, especially as I ended up getting together with the other girl and we were together for 4 and a half years. Ironically, she ended up cheating on me, so I guess that’s karma. I don’t really speak to either of them any more but that’s just cause we’ve drifted apart. If I saw them I’d definitely say hello to both.

What are your thoughts on cheating now? 

Being cheated on is fucking horrible. It all depends on the circumstances but if you’re cheating on someone multiple times then you’re in the wrong relationship. And if you think you’ve been cheated on then there is already a trust issue and the relationship is probably f****d anyway if you don’t talk about it. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube. 

The post ‘Feeling Desired For The First Time In a Long Time’: NZers On What Lead Them To Cheat appeared first on VICE.

Ask VICE is a series where readers ask VICE to solve their problems, from dealing with unrequited love to handling annoying flatmates. Today, we’re hoping to help a reader who’s struggling to move on.

Hey VICE,

It’s been three months since my girlfriend and I broke up after being together for a year and a half. She asked me not to contact her for a while, but I find that so hard. To me, she’s the one. I’m struggling with the question of whether I should try to make things right after all.

I met her at a bar, and a few months later we became a couple. She was 17 at the time and I was 23. The arguments started after two months, and they got really intense sometimes. We’d talk it out, but there were many difficult moments.

Looking back, I see that many of those fights were caused by my behaviour. She did everything for me and put a lot of effort into our relationship. I did a lot for her, too, but I became increasingly indifferent and complacent. She told me loads of times that she felt I showed little enthusiasm and took her for granted.

I was also hypocritical and possessive. If she got drunk or did drugs, I’d make a big deal out of it the next day – even though I did it, too. If she went out for the evening, she’d have to anticipate my reaction to everything she did. Eventually, she ended our relationship.

I’ve talked about this a lot with my sister and now realise I was in the wrong. I dimmed her light, when I actually want her to be the best version of herself. I also ignored the signals she gave me about her unhappiness.

A week after the breakup, we talked again. She was very sweet but said she wanted to go no contact to process the relationship. I kept trying to stay in touch with her. I was emotional and I wanted her attention, but it became too much for her. I tried to respect her wishes, but a few weeks later, I sent her a long message, telling her that I felt abandoned by her – that was foolish, obviously.

We then had a long conversation via WhatsApp, and that’s when I found out she’s interested in other guys now. After that, we talked on the phone for an hour, but I know she only did that for me – she was really done with my whining. The next day, I realised how annoying I was, so I sent her one more message to apologise and tell her she’s a wonderful person.

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My friends and family say I should let her go and focus on myself. I’m doing well, but I still think about her every day. I just want to fight for her. I can’t get her out of my head, and I’m convinced that one day things will work out. I just don’t have anymore patience. What should I do? Should I still hold onto hope now I’ve understood what I did wrong?

Take care,

M.

Hey M.,

Heartbreak is a bitch, so it’s absolutely normal for your brain to feel scrambled right now. Psychologist Petra van der Heiden, who wrote a whole book about heartbreak, says the process is similar to grieving a loved one. When you’re with someone, you become increasingly attached, and when that relationship ends unexpectedly, it can be challenging to untangle yourself from them. It’s a confusing and vulnerable ordeal.

It’s impossible for anyone to say if things will work out between you and your ex. But what we can help with is provide some mental clarity, and ultimately peace. “In your letter, I sense a lot of emotion and self-reflection,” says relationship therapist Joey Steur. “You’ve clearly been through a tough time. I think it’s brave for you to acknowledge your own behaviour and role in the relationship. It shows you’re open to growth and development.”

But recognising a pattern is very different from breaking it. In fact, getting back with an ex too quickly could lead you to fall back into the same toxic patterns – even if your intentions are good.

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One thing you’ve noticed, for example, is that you became increasingly detached yet possessive while you were with her. These contradictory and dysfunctional ways to deal with conflicts and insecurities are usually learned during childhood, in the context of your family.

“Feeling seen and loved is a basic need,” Steur says. If that doesn’t happen, either fully or partially, you might find yourself developing mechanisms to survive that hurt, which crop up when you’re an adult, too. You’re likely resorting to them in many areas of your life, but they become especially apparent in romantic relationships. “Usually because you’re very close to each other and can be hurt more easily,” Steur adds.

Toxic patterns aside, your relationship might’ve come to an end because you simply want different things in life, too. There’s a bit of an age gap between the two of you, which is more significant given the fact that your ex is still a teenager. If you’re on different pages, you won’t be able to fix that – no matter how much effort you put into becoming a better person.

Heartbreak is excruciating, but it’s also an opportunity to get to know yourself and learn from your mistakes. It’s crucial that you genuinely take this time to make changes for yourself, though – not just to prove a point to your ex.

Besides, Steur says you’ll never be able to change your ex’s mind no matter what you say to her, and you have to accept that. “You feel panic and stress because you’re afraid of losing her for good, so you’re messaging her from this state of unrest,” Steur says. “You have no control over her, but you do have control over how this breakup eventually affects you.”

As difficult as it may be, it’s important to respect her wishes to have no contact. If you feel you need to tell her something, write it down in a letter without sending it. It’s helpful to have a place to vent.

Above all, you should acknowledge that your relationship is officially over. That doesn’t mean the love or the happy moments are gone. You can still learn to cherish these – no matter how hard it feels.

The only thing to do right now is take the time and energy to process everything. Don’t be afraid to seek support from friends and family – you’re doing hard work. And as unbelievable as it may sound now, one day all this sadness will fade.

The post My Ex Wants to Go No Contact, But I Can’t Let Her Go appeared first on VICE.

When I look back at my younger self, I am rather embarrassed since I spent a huge chunk of my 20s chasing people, making sure they liked me, and bending over backwards for their affection. It’s cringe inducing when those horrid memories come flashing back. What the fuck was wrong with me?

Thankfully, for the generation that followed mine, things have turned out to be better. For a generation that is perennially online, Gen Zs have figured a way to determine their self worth at a very early stage. Sometimes blocking people out of one’s real life is as simple as doing it on Instagram or Twitter (nobody except the boomers are left on Facebook at this point!). But while the physical act seems simple, is the emotional part of cutting people out also easy for Generation Z?

To define a clear distinction, Gen Zs are individuals born after 1997, thereby preceded by the Millennials or Gen Y. And both these generations have their own struggles cut out for them. Based on a 2022 survey, while millennials in India are bogged down by work stress, the leading cause of stress for Gen Z is relationships and breakups. 87% of Gen Z in India struggle with relationship problems, with 1 in 3 stating that their mental well-being is greatly impacted if they break up with their partner.

Integrative psychotherapist Richa Vashista works at the intersections of gender & sexuality, with a clientele that is about 20-30% Gen Zs or Zoomers. She told VICE, “This generation has been fairly quick to move on and find someone new. There is also a lot more active support seeking from friends, turning to online communities for validation and understanding, and utilising various digital platforms to express themselves.”

From crying about it online to airing dirty secrets, there are many ways in which this generation deals with letting people go. And there are a lot of feelings of course, because when we asked Gen Z for their inputs on handling breakups and people walking out, they had a lot to share.

Rhythm Takkar, 22

I had to break up with my partner of three years, and I also had a very close friend walk out of my life. Both of them knew me since I was an 18-year-old broke college student. While [their leaving] was devastating, I realised that gradual distance is the way. You can’t cut someone off right away, so distancing yourself over time really helps. Weed, isolation, and a lot of detachment are helpful too. I usually handle letting go of people by cutting off my hair, spending loads of time alone, smoking up and taking up new hobbies or revisiting old ones. Replacing people with people works best; find a new best friend and you’ll forget about the one that got away.

Nup, 19

It’s obviously very difficult to let go of someone. It leaves an unwanted void which is there to stay as a reminder that they are gone, or that they meant something to you. In that particular state, you just want to be alone because reliving it as a whole hurts like a bitch! With time it disappears, but there will still be nights when you think about them. But then again, it’s not the person we miss. Instead it’s the feeling of support or the comfort that you really miss. But those are the good parts, and the bad parts are what lead to them walking out, and that helps you become the best version of yourself.

David Emmanuel, 24

At first to have someone walk out of my life meant the end of the world, the absolute end of everything I had built with the person. My life would basically revolve around this one specific person, and when the moment of truth came, I was left alone in desolation. I would be the one to stop them, hold the [imaginary] door to stop them from leaving and apologise when not in the wrong to keep them by my side, and humiliate myself all under the pretext of not losing the person. The person/people leaving brought in anger, pain, and overthinking coupled with restless nights.

As time progressed it changed drastically, I stopped being patient with tantrums, stopped being the bigger person, and realised that my mental state and well-being mattered more than someone who couldn’t give their 100%. I also held people accountable for their actions and called them out for gaslighting. To sum it up, I used to block the door to prevent people from leaving, now I show them the way out.

Tapesh, 24

People are usually replaced before they leave. But usually in our generation, I’ve experienced the lack of giving closure to any relationship. There’s just an understanding that if somebody isn’t talking to you anymore, they probably don’t want to anymore. I had amazing friends at school, we were really close. After getting out of school, conversations became scant, to the point that now it feels awkward if some schoolmate wishes me on my birthday. It’s pretty messed up – you yearn for them but you don’t really want them around. 

Harsheel, 25

Firstly, we live in India. Here, people walk into our lives without permission to begin with, and start asking personal questions. If I don’t want someone in my life, I just tell them politely or take conversations somewhere else if they are not that important. If that person is unavoidable then it’s best to keep the conversations to the routine bare minimum. That’s it.

Mantra, 18

This is when my best friend of 7 years stopped being the same. It was gradual. She didn’t show the same warmth. So we grew apart and stopped talking. Both of us were in the wrong. I have accepted the fact that the bridge is broken, but I still feel the pain. My other friends and parents supported me a lot through this.

Losing a friend is the worst thing that could happen to you. It was harder than a breakup because a friend leaving you is losing an irreplaceable part of yourself. It is scary as your best friend knows everything about you and that can bite back. Now I choose not to make new friends in college as I have a really hard time trusting people. 

Hardik Mangla, 23

You shouldn’t put someone first at the sake of your own individuality and identity. That makes you especially vulnerable, and makes it extremely difficult to cut someone off, so it hurts more when they leave. You should have your own existence, interests and passions. They add dimension to your being and do not put you at the mercy of another person’s company. My therapist told me to try to be there for myself and prioritise things that give me joy. That’s how you cope with letting people go and you get back on track.

Ansh, 20

I think this is something which has come up quite often, especially from older (way older) people when I’ve brought loneliness in conversations, with them suggesting how this is a generational thing – that my generation is experiencing a lot of loneliness. I’m unsure if that’s the case and feel that loneliness isn’t simply a generational experience but I do agree that we are just talking a lot more about it I guess? There is an existing vocabulary for such conversations now alongside platforms.

In my experience, this vocabulary has actually facilitated negotiating and navigating loss, especially the vocabulary around mental health, micro-aggressions and narcissistic abuse. Particularly on Instagram, we happen to have access to a conversation of self preservation, something that’s immensely recent. I think this vocabulary, access to info about what a toxic relationship looks like does end up facilitating certain self-reflections which help in letting go.

This is more personal but growing up as trans*queer individuals, we often envision a future of loneliness, loss and isolation, while living in social boycott and alienation. To me that has been a factor on how I generally negotiate my relationships. Detaching becomes easier and letting go often isn’t surprising since subconsciously one consistently prepares one’s self for the possibility of loss. This might change later I don’t know, since healing is a process yada yada.

Anjali, 22

Letting go feels like tearing a part of you and leaving it behind. However, it may vary from person to person. But I personally believe that when someone leaves, they don’t leave alone, they take a part of you. And they leave a void that can never be filled. At least, it is like this for me. It was about my best friend. I had to let her go because she wanted to. And I could never be the same again.

Drawing a line

As we can see, some Gen Z individuals may be way better equipped to deal with people walking out of their lives due to their exposure to online resources and increased emphasis on mental health awareness, but others may still struggle with emotional challenges.

Vashista added, “Living in a digital age has its pros and cons. If only, we knew where to draw the line and where to stop. Online platforms have been helpful for a lot of my neurodivergent clients to find online communities and support networks.”

So surround yourself with positive people (even if it’s online) who can be around you into your 30s too, and if they didn’t make the cut, then they were never meant to be.

Follow Navin Noronha on Instagram and Twitter.

The post How Does India’s Gen Z Handle The Art Of Letting People Go? appeared first on VICE.